As our society inundates itself with more advanced technologies and our members grow busier and more prone to distraction from external stimuli, the prospect of meeting people diminishes and the demand grows for methods that allow people a smoother, more efficient way of engaging. Online dating serves this purpose, and has moved its way into the mainstream. The following essay is an examination of the perils and upsides of this social dimension based on my personal experiences.
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PEOPLE AS COMMODITIES: WINDOW SHOPPING FOR POTENTIAL MATES
My acupuncturist professed to me during our session yesterday that she had met her husband online. She made an interesting point that online dating allows for people to engage those outside of their normal social circles. It is very true that we can get boxed into our day-to-day groupings and stagnate socially as a result.
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As creatures of perception in social environments, we walk around and our eyelids blink like camera shutters. We size people up. We know immediately with a glance whether or not we are physically attracted to a person. That’s what we do as mammals; it is an essential part of our biological function. An online dating site simply provides a different platform for this to occur.
When engaging in the online selection process, however, we emphasize the most superficial characteristics, and because they are presented inanimately, we have no context within which to assess them. There is a sense of permanence to a still image as opposed to a moving object. This makes it all too easy to misjudge a person. We make rapid-fire observations that become definite conclusions without anecdotal evidence to support our findings.
I believe that we have become the generation of ’50 Words Or Less’. This ‘click and see’ phenomenon contributes to a fundamental inability and unwillingness to further investigate people for who and what they are, to learn them and to know them. Interpersonal relationship skills erode as we perpetuate social amnesia through a systematic resistance to pursuits that require patience and dedication.
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That we could possibly seek to understand a person to such an extent as to label them, through a short self-description or a few photographs, is limiting. Getting to know somebody does not happen right away, and knowing that you like someone takes time. As an online dater, the rapidity of these simulated interactions is altogether disheartening to me. If a girl cannot get a good read on you immediately, or if there are any potential red flags raised, often through a matter of inductive reasoning and unchecked self-projection, the interaction is terminated. On to the next profile.
Have we really become people so compartmentalized that we can remove from each other any sense of relevance merely with the click of a button? From my experience, yes we have.
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One of the great aspects of dating, from my perspective, is the extemporaneity that it affords. A first date entails a level of heightened risk and excitement that I find very rewarding. These experiences sharpen my social skills: conversational, listening and attentiveness, being present. As one who has explored acting, I find this to be a worthy pursuit.
However, when a first date is prefaced by weeks of messaging and texting, it kills the potential for spontaneity. Realistically, the Five Ws constitute the basis for the first date, in which discussions address childhoods, personal interests, defining life experiences and so forth. But when we’ve already talked about or at the very least alluded to these things without having even met, a utilitarian paradigm arises in which the environment is neutralized and the propulsion of conversation through permutations of questions and responses is removed.
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Online dating hyper-intensifies the need for control and certainty that, as people, we are already naturally inclined toward. There can be no ambiguities or mysteries, because we live in a time where serial killers, rapists, stalkers and other depraved persons have proliferated in a disconnected technology-driven world that allows for anonymity and the false empowerment inherent to it. I do not fault women for their tepidity and hesitation in meeting a stranger, but the simple truth is that a lot of good guys suffer because of a rotten few.
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During my most recent foray into the online dating world, I have observed that a certain process develops:
First, you message the girl.
She responds, and you go back and forth for a while.
If things go well, you exchange numbers, and, to allay her uncertainty as to your true identity, you send her a picture of yourself via cell phone.
(Calling without an explicit invitation is too aggressive, because it challenges her need for measured control.)
Then she gets bored.
Without real human energy to provide spark and renewed interest, a huge risk in these strictly controlled online interactions is that people grow bored of each other. They feel like they have discovered, wrongly, everything that there is to know about the other person; that that they have established certainty that an attraction does or does not exist. And then they move on to another profile more alluring.
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Just as antagonistic trolls dwell in online discussion forums, girls are not compelled to show their suitors decency as they would in a physical setting, because they are not presented with the realities of human emotion. It is much harder to be rude to someone in person than through a computer screen. I feel that much of the technology today allows people to be lazy, selfish, rude and inconsiderate and online dating is no different. Furthermore, such impersonal settings exacerbate the capriciousness and notorious indecisiveness that plague many women. Unless she is naturally an adventurous person, a girl will likely psyche herself out with endless reasons for why not to meet a guy.
I frequently read postings in which the profiles stress the importance of status symbols nicely dressed as virtues, and they invariably lead to the same things: income, education and social standing. Sometimes I feel like I should just submit a resume to a girl, much like I would send off a cover letter to an employment recruiter.
A lot of women appear to go online for an ego boost without any intention of meeting a man. Hordes of pursuers write them on a daily basis, and they have their pick. Like an employer in a harsh economy, they are in a position to be extremely particular. This is an extension of the natural selection process, but is ultimately frustrating for a lot of guys.
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IMAGE DISTORTION
During the pioneering days of online dating, urban legends abounded of people meeting each other in person only to find that one or both parties had severely distorted their physical profile. The notion of a 200lb Amazon Woman masquerading behind a computer screen as a demure, petite Asian girl seemed very plausible. Fortunately the severity of these exaggerations has been tempered somewhat, but they still exist.
As a general rule I anticipate a 1-2 point bounce based on image manipulation (If I am to operate on the 10 Point College Frat Guy Scale, which seems appropriate for online dating), but some girls are delusional and outright deceptive.
Many women exploit camera angles and positioning to lend a more refined look to their faces, to cover up their excess weight. The classic telltale sign is a girl who only posts pictures of herself from the breasts upward while making distorted expressions.
A present social phenomenon seems to be what is colloquially known as the ‘Duck Face’, in which a girl puckers her lips, seemingly for the purpose of accentuating certain facial features or attractive qualities, like high cheekbones. If a girl is overweight, she can suck in her face a little bit and look more distinguished.
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Just the other week I met a girl whom I could tell was perhaps chubby, but seemed so in a post-adolescent, ample, medieval sort of way.
When I ventured to meet her in person I could not find her in front of the agreed location, so we exchanged text messages. She told me that she was in line at the front of the bookstore making a return. I seized this opportunity to sneak up to the line and get a preview of what awaited me. I was horrified to see a manatee in a multicolored blouse. She had grossly misrepresented herself. She was fat.
The two minutes transaction allowed me to compose myself and ponder rationally the situation at hand. Yes, she had in essence lied, but I am not the kind of person so cold as to merely inform a girl that I am not attracted to her.
I tried to suppress my distaste for her aesthetic, but we were walking around on a Saturday night in a suburban shopping mall, and multitudes of prowling soccer moms and mid 20s young professionals strutted about, rendering me incapable of the level of concentration that this predicament required. Women offered me prolonged glances and I wondered to myself what the hell I was doing walking around town with this girl when I could theoretically be pursuing one of them. I sincerely wanted to explore the possibility of perhaps an emotional or intellectual connection with this young lady, because I do fundamentally believe that a person should not be defined in their entirety by physical attributes. An hour into the evening I concluded that this was not going anywhere on any level.
We were both getting hungry and dinnertime neared and I simply could not fathom the notion of taking her to a restaurant only to pay to watch her eat. (She kept talking about how much she loved to eat.)
I texted my best friend and begged him to give me a call proclaiming that his car had broken down on the freeway. I improvised an elaborate story depicting him purchasing a 2004 Hyundai Elantra on Craigslist that had proven to be a lemon and how he was having trouble with the timing belt, and, well, it had broken down, and, me being such a good friend, I was going to delay gratification and brave the traffic and free him. I would like to think that I did a good job in presenting myself as a chivalrous knight and not a shallow young man.
Funnily, I’d been nervous to meet her. Through texting she had proposed that we get dinner and that afterward we go back to her dorm to watch an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. This had excited me, as an invitation to a dorm creates the setting for a physical evening. While I was not anticipating sex, kissing is always nice. Intimacy for me mandates an element of trust and certainty that takes time to develop and thus I will not go too far on a first-date.
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ONLINE DATING PROFILE: Tricks Of The Trade
My first go-round with online dating while living in Los Angeles was perplexing and frustrating and so I canceled my accounts. During my sabbatical I commenced research on how to succeed in this realm, and ascertained a few things.
When posting a picture of myself, I don’t look straight into the camera. Not looking into the camera creates a story that offers a mystery that inspires women to further inspect.
I stumbled upon this nugget of wisdom on a discussion forum during my hiatus and decided to put the theory into practice when I resurrected my account. I had long been befuddled by the fact that I was an very attractive guy and I had nice pictures of myself smiling into the camera, and yet I rarely received replies to my messages.
Lo and behold I deployed this tactic and soon experienced a crazily high response rate. Usually the girl asks me for additional photographs to confirm that I am both real and attractive as my picture suggests; as I am kissing a cat in my photo, only my jawline and side profile are revealed, not the mouth. Thus, I look appealing, but one is not quite certain. I have aroused the curiosity that compels girls to investigate me further.
Honestly I do not like proceeding with such calculation and I feel that it reeks of insincerity, but this petitioning women is like cold calling on prospective businesses for a sales job, canvassing door to door. It is one of the great metaphors for life in 21st century America, the postmodern existence that we lead in which our common humanity is often forsaken to justify the whims of a technology-based, convenience-driven culture.
I experience rejection in the coldest, most indifferent fashion. It is very upsetting to my sense of social harmony and equilibrium. Lack of closure disturbs me like a restless spirit that haunts my slumber. As people we need to tie up loose ends, to keep things in proper order. This psychological mechanism is demonstrated on grand scales such as funerals, and all the way down to simple rejection notices from HR Departments during the job search. Nobody likes to be left hanging.
When sending messages, I keep them cool, lighthearted and fun. One or two lines, often poking fun at the girl (As they seem to feel obligated to defend themselves) will likely spur a dialogue. Anything serious requires too much thought seems to kill the chances of a response. If a girl receives dozens of messages every day, she does not have the time to craft a uniquely personalized reply while she is still very uncertain as to whether or not any chemistry exists. This makes sense to me. Similarly, a vague, nebulous ‘hello’ causes the girl to think too much, or creates a conversational dead-end.
I used to write thoughtful messages that demonstrated my interest in a girl and the fact that I had clearly read her profile, and I felt that I showed her respect by doing so. But in doing this I rarely received any responses. Did I come off as needy or desperate, too desirous of communication? Did I want her too badly, and in seeming so, subjugate myself as a man? I didn’t know, couldn’t tell, and never found out, but I did decide to entirely alter my approach.
For a time I employed the tactic of outright insulting women. Nine times of out 10 they responded with a level of vitriol and acidity that made me feel regretful; in conducting this ‘experiment’, I likely contributed to their cold cynicism and perhaps even fostered their disgust with the entire male sex. But in provoking a response I did prove that they at least read the messages, and that clearly I was doing something wrong in my more constructive proposals. Nevertheless it saddened me to think that I got more responses by being mean than by being nice. Consequently it is also within the realm of possibility that these girls who responded to me were the type to tailor personalized responses anyway, and that in writing something despicable I may have sabotaged an opportunity at making memorable connections. One never knows online.
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Sometimes I ask myself, how ever did people meet in the olden days? Was interaction more spontaneous? Did people trust each other more? Could mutual attraction be aptly expressed without all of the facades?
I recognize the utility that online dating offers. I feel that it presents a nice additional avenue for exploring possibilities, but that it is no replacement for real face-to-face contact. And I believe that while there are potential benefits and opportunities from a foray into the online dating world, there looms the possibility for frustration that carries seeps into real daily life. This is the conundrum for much of cyberspace. Many people know and even readily acknowledge this and yet continue to operate largely from behind a computer screen.
My experiences have been mixed. I have yet to find a girl whom I truly click with through online dating sites, though I have been on many dates. I have explored avenues that were presented to me that satisfied me on a number of different levels–some physical interactions, some short-term relationships, and even a platonic friendship. One unifying theme from all of the dates that I have had is that they expose me to different people and sharpen my social skills.
We live in a fast-paced world. Truthfully I wish that people were easier to meet but I feel that we are so often busy, in a constant hurry, and too consumed by the immediacy of momentary existence to stop and acknowledge each other. This is the Multitask Millennium and it really is difficult to stay focused on anyone or anything.
This process has made me more cognizant of how I project myself in public, and, in those seemingly rare opportunities when I meet people in more traditional settings, I am more appreciative of a girl so inclined to engage in an unplanned conversation. As I work to create a life for myself, I will continue to incorporate online dating into my overall approach to socializing, but it is no replacement for an organic connection.
The Childhood Hero 